Maybe I should blog more in this thing. Public venting session are underrated. Maybe they will help me through.
What I'm going through now seriously feels like a never-ending hazing process into the teaching profession. There's so many other routes to take towards teaching that I seriously question why I've taken this one. "You've taken the hard road" is what another teacher at my school told me. Every morning on the drive to school I look at other folks walking on the street in business clothes and I wish I could switch spots with them. Every Monday's eve, I'm unhappy with life and wish it could be Friday again.
I'd be lying if I said things were better. Things could get better; they definitely can. But right at this moment they aren't. It's so bad I've got a countdown going on my whiteboard at home that counts down the schooldays til the week-long Thanksgiving break (23). It's so bad that I count down on my fingers the months to December and to June on an almost daily basis (2 & 8). It's so bad that I've considered all possible options to get out of what I'm currently doing again and again.... and again.
I know that when I look back at today, at this month, at this year from the outside (a year or 2 or more from now), I'll smile and Thank God I made it through. Or maybe, I'll think to myself "what was I thinking? and be glad I had the courage to step away and take care of me."
I don't really know where I'll be.
What I do know is that since graduating from college, I've had but only a 2 week break before going in full-throttle into this new life. Transitioning has been like running into a brick wall. And this brick wall is affecting me at all levels. Emotionally, physically, socially, mentally, religiously, spiritually... and it sucks.
I'll delve into more concrete reasons why this shit is killing me. I journal it, I do in conversations in person and on the phone, I think it ALL THE TIME, and now this is me doing this venting thing blogger-style.
1 comment:
Off top, you might need to smoke a blunt homey.
You don't need me to tell how important the work is that you're doing. You're probably in one of the most thankless professions, but I bet that those students appreciate having a young teacher like yourself. They may not show or say it, but that wouldn't really be the "cool" thing for them to do and at that age being "cool" is what matters most in many of their eyes. I think by working at this school everything else will be much easier down the road, if for example, you wind up teaching silver spooners at Piedmont High(Please don't do this though).
There are so few math teachers of color, and male ones at that. You are a rare breed and a huge asset to these students and their community. Keep up the good work!
Off top!
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